Sai um hotel inglês (weather oblige)

Encontrei isto num velhinho e fabuloso Everyman Paperback (Modern Humour, An anthology for the sixties, from Belloc to Wodehouse) e pareceu-me que vinha a calhar. Eu cá gostei. Tendo o autor abandonado o seu envólucro mortal em 1945, só posso deduzir que o texto seja algo anterior. Pouco importa. Eu cá gostei. Tomai e provai.







Hotel Piece
Herbert Farjeon

As manageress of the Talbot Arms
I try to keep the tone up;
I’ve a smile that cheers and a voice that charms
Our visitors when they phone up;
A very good class we cater for
In tweeds and aquascuta
That don’t disgrace our antlers or
Our sporting prints of pewter.
My coiffure cannot fail to pass,
My spray is picturesque,
My nails are nice, and I keep a glass
Of stout behind the desk.
It’s true our guests may sometimes fail
To tip the under-porter,
Our chambermaids could tell a tale
Or two about hot water,
We sometimes find a lady’s comb
In a bedroom that surprises,
But there! to make a home from home
It takes all sorts and sizes.

There’s No. 37 who is given to complain,
And No. 5 whose overcoat has lost its collar-chain,
17 is quite a puzzle — I can’t think what he’s about —
He keeps on going out and coming in and going out;
No. 12 is so extremely hoity-toity and select
He never says Good Morning, which is not what I expect,
And No. 44
Has forgotten to bring more
Than the top of his pyjamas, which creates a bad effect.
No. 2 is back from Egypt, which is rather more my line,
But you can have the lot if you will give me No. 9 —

Oh, the leather of his suit-case really gave me such a thrill
That every time I see him, I can somehow smell it still;
He’s a dozen pair of boots, and he’s a dozen pait of trees
(You can always tell a gentleman by little things like these),
He telephones to Ascot, and he telephones to Cowes —
It’s for him I wear these lilies of the valley in my blouse.
Oh, No. 9, yes, No. 9 is all the rage with me,
It gives me quite a flutter just to think I have his key,
And his voice! I often mention to him, just to hear him speak,
What simply gorgeous weather we experienced last week.
He’s got a place in Dorking that I gather is divine,
And the extras he has had! the baths! the billiards! the wine!
Oh, I feel that this hotel
Would do very, very well
If we had a few more clients of the class of No. 9.

Our lady guests are apt to be more fussy than the men —
What with draughts and smells and ringing bells, I’m sick of No. 10;
That wretched little dog of hers should really be restrained,
She should keep it in a kennel if she cannot have it trained.
No. 20 is less bother, but I must confess I hope
Next time she leaves the writing-room, she’ll leave one envelope —
It’s funny how the Sphere
And the Tatler disappear!
When she goes away on Friday I quite tremble for the soap.
But to all these little troubles I most willingly resign,
For after all, there’s always, yes, there’s always No. 9!
I’ll bet he looks a dream when they take in his morning tea;
He’s A.A. through and through, with not a trace of C.T.C.;
He is always so agreeable, with a pleasant word to say,
I’ll be quite the Madam Butterfly the day he goes away;
Our little conversations are so chatty and so bright
That I’m sure he rather likes me — though of course it’s quite all right.
This morning, when I said the weather really was a shame,
He said it really was — we somehow always think the same —
Then he asked me, Was I busy? and I said: ‘Just one long buzz,
But working stops you thinking’, and he answered: ‘Yes, it does!’
And then I looked straight in his eyes, and he looked straight in mine,
And I said: ‘Well, just for your sake, I do hope it comes out fine.’
Oh, I’m sure that this hotel
Would do very, very well
If we had a few more clients of the class of No. 9.

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A aquascuta do sexto verso intrigou-me ao ponto de me levar a coscuvilhar na internet. Parei com a coscuvilhice poucos segundos depois, ao constatar que aquascutum era uma marca de roupa de alto gabarito que já existia nos tempos de infância do autor, que me parece menino para pluralizar tranquilamente o latim. Não é provável que tal aconteça, mas seria como alguém aparecer no meio de uma versalhada mais contemporânea adornado de rosas & teixeiras, ou c'umas bershkas, consoante o calibre do alguém.

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